What is it about Ian Fleming’s timeless spy that most captures our imagination? His formidable derring-do, and the ability to remain cool, calm and collected in the face of certain death? The ridiculous ease he has bedding just about any woman who happens to cross his path – even if they’re his sworn enemy? Bond’s unwavering fashion sense (excepting maybe this rather unbecoming sleepwear from the early seventies) and his capability to go perform death defying feats without ever ruffling his tux?
If I had to pick just one quality of the imitable double-0 that I’d like to have magically bestowed upon me it’d be… his perpetual randiness. Seriously, the dude is always, always up for a quick romp. Even if he’s been on the road for weeks, recently had his testicles pulverized by a bleedy eyed international arms dealer (ala Casino Royale) and just surfed a melting glacier in freezing waters; he never hesitates for one second to jump in the sack with Ivana Humpalot or whatever current femme fatale beckons. Personally, if I have too many pints or a hard day at the office I might have to tell Ivana to wait a little while – at least while I take a shower.
Though we can’t all be fictional super agents with unbreakable bones and unyielding libido, there are some aspects of James that are easier to emulate. We’re talking gadgets here. Let GFP be your Q. Here are five items available to anyone that Sean Connery would have killed for in his heyday.
Google Glass – Making X-Ray Vision Obsolete
Pierce Brosnan – as one of the more effeminate Bonds – used X-ray glasses to scope out what undergarments ladies were wearing in The World Is Not Enough. We wouldn’t mind a pair of those, but we’d much rather get our hands on google glass:
Navigation, data, video.. the power of the internet in its entirety without ever lifting a finger. Your Bond-i-tude factor will jump 22% the second you put these on.
Rain Boots That Charge Your Phone
Who has time to charge their phone when fleeing from skiing assassins? Not Bond, and not I. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to juice up all your electronic devices on your person? The field of wearable tech is burgeoning and mobile carrier Orange debuted some wellies in 2010 that aren’t only fashionable, but can charge your phone while your wear them.
Digital Recording Pen From Spycatcher
For just £150 you can have a real life piece of perfectly usable espionage gear. See what your office mates are up to or where the missus goes on shopping trips with this innocent looking pen/voice recorder. It records up to 18 hours of high quality audio.
Functional Hover Board
You may be thinking that this item would be more apt for a top 5 Marty McFly list, but c’mon, can’t you just see Daniel Craig confidently hovering on this bad boy? Shooting perps and sipping Martinis while gliding above a bed of molten lava? We want one.
Wenger Giant Swiss Army Knife
This one makes all the above trinkets moot. For, unlike the managerial Arsenal, this gadget doesn’t skimp on the stuff you’d need – in any situation. For just £911 you can have a knife that’ll fax your documents, pick up your kids from school and train your dog to read poetry.
This blade is ridiculous, the best part may be the customer reviews on Amazon, a perfect study in sarcasm.
There you have it: the GFP guide to becoming a modern, gadgetized James Bond. But you know what? If you really want to feel like the man himself, even for just an evening, then the easiest way to do so would be to arrange a meeting with one of our lovely Eastern European Escorts. Trust us, when you walk into your hotel lounge and are warmly greeted by any of the women here and get to whisk her away for a secret debriefing, you’ll feel just like Bond.